We all have big dreams and hopes for our kids. We want them to do better, have more and be happier than we managed. But how do we handle it when our kids–despite being given all the tools and support we think they need to succeed–have a different view of “success” and do not follow our advice? It can be very tough, since in many cases, we have seen others go down that path and later regret it or have a harder time getting back on a more traditional track. And if a parent is providing financial support to a child who “doesn’t listen”, it becomes an even more challenging situation for both parent and child.
Every situation is different and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. But there are a couple of things a parent in this situation could consider.
Don’t cut off contact with the child as an incentive for the child to do what you want them to do. This rarely works over the long term and you may lose some important opportunities to continue to make your point. Plus, lost time can never be retrieved. If your child is the one who has stopped communicating, you be the one to reach out first.
Remember that you are the adult. Try to have discussions in a normal tone of voice. Refrain from making sarcastic or overly critical remarks or engaging in “bad behavior” (for example, hanging up the phone, slamming doors, cursing etc.). Model the behavior you want to see in your child. If you end up doing something you regret, again, you be the one to reach out first and say “sorry.”
When you get a chance, talk about your own mistakes and misjudgments and maybe even times you didn’t listen to your parents. Discuss how it turned out and maybe how you think you would handle the same situation now.
Give it a break sometimes. Propose some activity that you know your child likes and try not to talk about what is bothering you. Constantly bringing up what the child should or could do differently is a turn-off and can make the child less willing to open up or be around you.
Stay away from comparing your kid to another kid whose path is more in line with what you would like to see your kid do. Who wants to be compared to a peer and made to feel they come up short?
Be patient. Not everyone develops at the same rate or time. Some people take more round-about paths than others because everyone is different. Also, some boys seem to develop more slowly than girls in terms of judgment and good decision-making. So, you might want to give your boys a little more leeway to figure out what they want to do and how they want to do it.
Accept that at some point, you may just have to accept that your child is who he is and you can’t make him be you, think like you, or like the same things you like. Of course, the problem with this is that sometimes the child wants the same lifestyle you have but makes choices that will not support that lifestyle on their own. Keep reminding them of this, but at the end of the day, you can only do so much. They will have to figure it out on their own. And while they do, you want to be there.
Share your thoughts